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Monday, August 29th, 2022
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10:43 pm - QuoteUnquote
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Below I've left (and am leaving) one or two posts unlocked from each month.
But I am here, secretly, writing to secret people--friends, you know.
current music: David Dondero - Journal Burning Party
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
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7:28 pm - Hey, has anyone heard it's Election Day?
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Whenever I see CNN show the Obama rallies across the country, with people jumping up and down in victory with huge smiles on their faces, it makes me think that that's what history is doing, too. Like, I can imagine some movie that'll come out 60 years from now that shows this night and the joy the world felt, and all the freaky future people will only know about this night from history books and their old crazy grandmas with saggy tattoos and stuff. I mean, I don't know, the future can lead to anything and maybe if Obama wins it will be some huge historical blunder. But it sure doesn't feel like it.
current mood:  historic
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2008
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2:25 pm - If I go to heaven I'll be bored as hell
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This turned out to be one of the best weekends I've ever had. Friday was dancing with my lovers in lose-yourself-in-the-music crazy style hopping up and down with sweat flying off your face onto the dance floor, then all of us coming home to mass garlic bread and Loaded Questions where every other answer was either "Sausage Cat" or "Cock". When you're with people you genuinely, almost desperately love there's like this invisible piece of rope that goes through your skull into their skull and into the next person's skull and brain waves get synced and words are superfluous and GUSH GUSH GUSH BARF BARF GUSH.
Last night was the Conor Oberst show, which turned out to actually be pretty amazing. It would have been boring had I not known the songs off his new CD though, because no Bright Eyes songs were played, which is what I figured. It was an outdoor concert and there were thousands and thousands of people, and a good chunk seemed to be from out of town. I wonder what people think about that, like..."Ooh, let's go to Omaha to see his home show! ROAD TRIP." Kinda like this girl. I hope she had a good time!
I got overwhelmed at all the people, so I went inside the main bar to chill out for a second. I didn't think we'd find a good spot to stand because of how packed it was, but then we discovered the totally accessible side of the stage area where there was practically no one, and stayed there for the whole show leaning up against the stage. It was cool. The roadies were even halfway nice to us and moved things so we could see and gave us both set lists without us asking. We had two so I gave one to a girl still standing at the front of the stage long after the show was over. It made me happy that she was so happy to get one.
( Our view / Set list )
current mood:  calm
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
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12:52 am - Couch Cats
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Just now Timmy was doing his balance beam walk on the back of the couch trying to find a spot to lie down. There's a folded comforter on the back that isn't usually there, and on top of the comforter was a pillow. So it was like a mountain.
He crawled up on the pillow but it was wiggling around and tipping over when he did his trying-to-get-comfortable-by-circling thing. When he figured the pillow wasn't safe, he walked to the other side of the back of the couch, BUT on that side the comforter was halfway hanging off.
He looked like he was about to give up and jump down, so I walked over and moved the pillow. He tip-toed back to the side of the couch he wanted originally, and curled into a tiny kitty ball and closed his eyes.
There's seriously nothing in this lifetime I could possibly ever do that would be more important, bring me more joy, and give me more proof that my life on this planet has been meaningful, than helping my little cat.
current mood:  useful
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| Thursday, July 31st, 2008
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7:10 pm
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Poll #1233082
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: AllCookie: Pants: Color of Rainbow: Annoyance of clean basket of laundry on floor unfolded for one week where 1 is not even noticing it and 10 is wanting to kill yourself: Close your eyes and type something you love:
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| Monday, July 14th, 2008
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8:10 am - The Perversion That Love Made
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I have a problem, and that problem is Lifetime movies. Movies with titles such as:
-My Stepson, My Lover
-Cradle of Lies
-Another Woman's Husband
-When Andrew Came Home
-For My Daughter's Honor
-Maternal Instincts (LOLLLL OH GOD THIS WAS THE BEST! DELTA BURKE! EMERGENCY HYSTERECTOMY! REPLACING THE MEDICATION OF THE OB/GYN THAT DID THE HYSTERECTOMY WITH OLIVE OIL! CLUTCHING A DOLL AND SINGING LULLABIES IN A PADDED ROOM AT THE END!)
I've got a lot of time on my hands, and I've also got a TIVO, and sometimes that combination is really just sad.
...but but but sometimes they're actually good. Locked In Silence was genuinely interesting. It's about a kid with selective mutism. The twist ending blew my mind. And Carolina Moon! It was better than a horror movie I'd pay to see at a theater. Though, I guess I *am* paying in a way...paying with my LIFE.
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
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4:34 am - VulvaLoveLovely
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Oh my dear sweet loving god: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=12234147
Wow. Just, wow. Second picture: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=12080564
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I took Pumpkin to the vet today to get his routine 3 month blood check for hyperthyroidism. Also, so far no sign of any of his recurrent tumors. The doctor took a LOT of skin last time though, plus he took that extra pad thing above the base of the leg, so regrowth is less likely.
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I wonder if it'd do me any good to take I-29 north to South Dakota, then east to Minnesota, instead of right across the flooded state of Iowa on I-80/35. It's supposed to be raining on Thursday and Friday, which are my two potential leaving days. I guess I-29 DOES follow the Missouri River, so that could be stupid.
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We now have privacy fencing on one side of the backyard thanks to my mom's crush on Dennis, one of Lowe's contractors, and her aversion to talkative elderly neighbors who apparently have sex in their shed....?
current mood:  tired
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
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9:36 pm - Girl, ya taste like a Cinnabon
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I was just cooking dinner and the recipe called for "one small clove of garlic" and I literally LOLed and tripled it.
I've been looking at new glasses for the past month. I kinda like some of the clear pairs I've tried on. Why does glasses shopping have to be so hard?
My cousin Zach's graduation is soon. I remember being in fifth grade when Zach and his mom moved in with us and sitting down with a piece of paper and figuring out what year he'd be graduating. It seemed so impossibly far away. 2008??? Surely myself and everyone I knew and the world would be totally unrecognizable by then. So, May 2008 has been one of those landmark dates in my mind.
It's cool though. I used to spend so much time thinking about the future that now as I'm seeing everything unfold it's like I'm a time traveler.
current music: Ludacris (feat LL Cool J, Keith Murray): Fatty Girl
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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1:31 am - Happy 4/21
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I was just looking through some pictures from 2001. It doesn't seem like that long ago, but it's like, you really had no idea how young you actually were until you look at a photo of yourself years later and think of all the things that hadn't yet happened. Seven years is a long time.
I keep trying to remember what I felt like, if I've changed inside. I remember reading something that an elderly woman said...something about how she felt the same at 80 as she did at 8. There's just this...energy or something...that sits at the cores of ourselves, like it's bottled and stuck there. It's deeper than our personalities. It's how we feel, very privately. It's who we are to ourselves, when there's no acting or speaking or even thinking. And the things around it can change--we gain experiences and our hair gets greyer and we have kids and see a million places, but the wavelength of the energy can never be changed. So we feel it inside ourselves, always, no matter if we're 8 or 80.
This is gonna sound so emo, and I don't mean it to be and I'm not depressed about it, but I think whatever this unchanging energy is inside myself...it's melancholy. I can see it almost, like, I can picture the wide, angled line of soft, porous grey. It fades halfway up and there's an object above it that, if I try to look at it, I can't see it. It's who I am though. I know that sounds crazy. Do you have any sort of a feeling like that? Can you picture who you really, privately are inside? What does it look like or feel like? I really want to know.
I've always felt lonely and sort of like an observer who was never part of anything without being there as a Watcher of Moments. I'm not sad about that, because things have so much meaning to me. Everything does. People and places and feelings...it's all always meant so much. Sometimes I try to hide that because it makes me feel lame. "LOLZERS SHE CARES!!!!!" But stuff goes straight to my heart, and my heart sends it up to my brain, and my brain wants to write it all down before I forget how it felt and how important it was to me at the moment it was happening. Even when nothing is happening I want to write it down anyway, because something is happening in my heart.
current mood: exhausted
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
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1:12 am - Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
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They Might Be Giants were old pros and totally awesome in every way. I got a setlist! We saw ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ecotopian and mantofev there and joined their party.
John's brother Mark has been here since Friday and is a crazy dude. He's obsessed with comic books. It's weird seeing him and John together. The same head of hair and screaming fits.
Also free Horseshoe buffets.
current mood:  energetic
current music: "This song is more important"
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| Friday, January 25th, 2008
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12:23 pm - 26
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Welp, I'm 26 now! Actually, not until 8:32 p.m.
I saw this red nail polish at Walgreens a couple months ago called "Forever 25". That's what I keep thinking of...how 25 is the last age of "official" early 20s crazy youth freedom. I mean, obv age is just a number and I plan on continuing crazy youth freedom for a few more years, but still...I can't stop thinking about that fingernail polish! No age I ever turn after this will have a fingernail polish named after it.
current mood:  26
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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1:58 am - Let me tell you about my new years kiss
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Let me tell you about my new years kiss. For one, my phone unexpectedly completely died after the fireworks downtown. That's important, because I planned to send a bunch of people kisses, AND because I had no idea what time it was, since my phone is my watch.
I went to the upstairs bar at The Max hoping to get one more drink to make my experience more ethereal. But suddenly people started going, "5! 4! 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and I was so sad. I asked the guy waiting at the bar next to me, "Is it really happy new year?" and he got out his phone and it said 11:01, which meant 12:01.
So I got my two Heinekens and went outside to be slightly emo. I tripped TWICE on my way out, grabbing people on my way down. I was so embarrassed, but the dance floor was soaked with spilled drinks and my coordination at that point was severely lacking, so I decided to just take it as a giant, semi-shameful metaphor. Once I got outside to the patio (which hadn't been shoveled and was caked with ice), this girl came up to me crying, asking if she could borrow my lighter. "Don't be so sad about borrowing a lighter!" I said.
"My boyfriend just proposed," she said, pointing to this dude in a white belt, and then pointing to her ring. "He's calling his mom right now! We wanted to do it in a place special to both of us. I really didn't think it'd happen tonight! But The Max...it's so special."
I grabbed her and hugged her and she held on so tight and I cried and said, "Look up there, there's the man you'll be spending your entire life with. Look at him." And she put her hand to her lips and cried some more.
I told her I had to go, that I had to go find my New Year's kiss. I hugged her goodbye, and she kissed me on the cheek and said, "Here's your kiss." I cried and cried and cried, and so did she, holding onto me and looking at me and watching this man call his mother.
I don't know what my new year's was. But I popped a balloon after pulling it down from the ceiling, pretending that all of 2007 was inside of it. I thought, "I could let it go, or I could fucking kill it," and the balloon popped and I stared at the light that had burned into my eyeball. Even when my eyes were closed I could see it.
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| Sunday, December 30th, 2007
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4:52 am - 2007 Year in Review
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1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Graduated college. I think that's the big one.
2. Did you keep your goals/resolutions for 2007?
Didn't make any to keep.
3. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Maybe watching people on the slides during my graduation party.
The most fulfilling was moving my tassle at my second graduation in August after having my Writing degree conferred. It was like a bookend to all those months of guilt and hatred. So much of me hurt for so long this year. I got this second degree for no reason other than loving it. I felt honest. That's all I want for myself...the courage to be honest.
( MMVII )
current mood:  looking back/forward
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| Monday, December 24th, 2007
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11:50 pm - Hang like a star
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Hey, soon it will be Christmas 2007. I'm melancholy, but it's a festive melancholy that goes well with Christmas Eve. I always liked Christmas Eve more than Christmas day. There's a lot of magic that happens on the eve of Christmas.
John got some sort of mountain dulcimer from his mom for Christmas. His parents are like down with mama terra in the most non-obnoxious way ever. I love it.
My seasonal Eczema is back. I thought maybe I'd sneak around it this year. I have half-healed fingernail marks all over my legs and back from scratching.
Matt (maggotstatues) and his brother and sister drove through Omaha on Sunday on their way to Arizona, so I ate lunch with them at The Old Mattress Factory. It was nice to see him.
I think I might go to O'Leaver's tomorrow night after doing the chaotic giant family get together deal. They're having their annual "I'm my family's outcast so I'm at a bar on Christmas" show.
Here is the angel on the top of my tree. It's been the tree topper since I was a baby. She's falling apart and stained with something brown but I love her even more for it. My mom doesn't really get into the Christmas decorating spirit, so John and I put the tree up downstairs instead. Do your job, little angel lady.
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| Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
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10:08 pm - CD opening (literally, like physically opening it) review
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I completely forgot I'd bought a Kill the Runt The Circular Ruins CD until just now.
I went around with a $5 bill to each band member, holding it out without really saying anything because I'm so shy about buying CDs directly from bands, even when I know them. I must've gone to almost every member before someone finally traded my currency for music. I was glad for this because of the many times I've asked to have a CD sent to me, but of course some people are too important for their "fans" (I'm putting that in quotes).
Someone was watching me as I broke the red wax seal, and this person was very concerned that I preserve its shape by using a specific type of opening method. I did ok--the edge only broke off a little. Are those the circular ruins? All those broken wax seals? Have your listeners taken part in the creation of the concept of the title by opening their albums and watching the circular seals crack open and fall?
Probably not.
It took some hunting to make my way through the layers and layers of paper, and to figure out which flaps lead to a CD and which did not. There was only pleasure in this. Sometimes I'd get it wrong and find hidden secrets, like a scissor-cut excerpt from something with words behind the front photo. In a dawn without birds, the wizard saw the concentric fire licking the walls. But the CD was there, deeper, in more paper printed with lyrics and names and roman numerals. Someone in Kill the Runt has an obvious history gluing, stapling, and yarn-binding zines.
That's as far as I got on Saturday (nice keyboards on "Spectre", Mason). Just enough time to eventually pull out the CD and have Matt freak out because of the sticker on it, which I stuck to the front of the black bag instead. I tried to judge his reaction to see if I'd done the right thing.
And now I will fix an endearing typo from the insert that really only made me love it more:
In time you will grow sick with longing,
for some distant relief,
in the promise of a chemical reaction.
That is the review of my CD opening experience.
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| Friday, September 14th, 2007
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8:15 am - Friday morning in jeans
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I hate eating popcorn because I always get those opaque thin crispy things that come off the kernels...whatever the hell they are...stuck in my gums for DAYS AFTER. But also, I love popcorn, so.
First paydays are nice, especially if you have direct deposit. I literally jumped in my chair when I logged into my bank account. It's like...uh, whoa, how'd that get there? It's a shock to the system.
It's fall now. Next week it will be summer again. But then it will be fall for realz. And that means PUMPKIN PATCH A.K.A. MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD.
My mental health has improved drastically since getting a job. But then I wonder why and get depressed.
Fred is here staring at me. He loves to be loved and touched and talked to. All the cats do, but he does especially. I can sit here and just talk to him for ten minutes and he'll rub all around my legs and the chair and the couch, meowing back at me the whole time.
John and I bought kitchen chairs at the Goodwill this week. We already have a table. It's in the garage attached to a spider babies sac.
current mood: calm
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| Sunday, August 26th, 2007
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12:36 am
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Poll #1045342
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: AllI see these words I am alive I am on the internet
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
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1:35 am - Second graduation, doncha think?
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It's raining really hard here for the first time in a long while. Feels nice and cleansing.
Friday is my second graduation...the one where I'll get the English degree, which is the degree that actually matters to me personally. Ironically, I could not figure out how to structure that last sentence. Also, that is not an example of irony (but this sentence is). Thanks, multiple 4000-level writing courses. Thanks a whole lot.
Anyway, finally I will be done with school 4realz. I've had so many false endings. I decided to walk, because, hey, why the hell not? I didn't invite anyone. John might come after he gets off work at 2. The horrible thing is that American Idol auditions are being held that same day at the SAME TIME just a few blocks away from where I'll be. Parking will be fun. Maybe I should take the bus in my cap and gown. Then the truth will be told as to what a degree is actually worth. Hahahahsaha. Ah. *vomit*
Also, congratulations to maggotstatues for being done, too. Good job surviving!
current mood:  restless
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| Saturday, July 14th, 2007
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9:52 am - SLUMBER PARTY
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Yesterday I had a sleepover with James and Brad due to being too inebriated to drive home from the bar. James' rich ex-boyfriend kept buying us shots. Then the Taco John's lady forgot Brad's Choco Taco de Shame, but she was nice/tolerant, so it's ok.
I dressed up in their underwear and one Pooh slipper and Mickey Mouse hat and ties. I said, "Let's wear clothes we always want to wear but don't because we're too shy and/or fat (Choco Taco)" so everyone had lots of nipples showing through busted seams. Sometimes the nipples had clothespins attached!
I tried sleeping in their walk-in closet but thought I was suffocating because of not much oxygen in there (lol). Then I tried sleeping on the floor at the foot of the bed but was trampled repeatedly by people running to the bathroom to barf. So I took my two blankets and pillow and moved to various spots on the floor around their apartment--in front of the bathroom door talking to James who was collapsed on the other side, in the kitchen paranoid of ants, behind the computer, on the floor in front of the couch, and eventually on the couch. All these places were very comfortable...that's why I kept moving around, trying to experience all of the comfortableness. There's something so nice about sleeping on the floor when you're drunk.
And my car wasn't even stolen after sitting downtown all night!
current mood: good
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| Saturday, June 9th, 2007
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1:50 am - 4 hours
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I just spent 4 hours in a hot tub. Bachelorette Amanda announced that she was peeing in it but no one (there were 8 of us) got out. I guess that's kind of how wedding parties (as in, the group of people in the wedding) roll the night before the ceremony.
You're only supposed to go in hot tubs for like 15 minutes at a time. I love you, heart. Do not melt into chemically hot tub oblivion.
We have to go decorate the hall at 8 a.m. >=o\ But whatever. I cried at the rehearsal.
current mood: lost
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